From hiding in the loo

I remember being on the receiving end of this, and I couldn’t help thinking how being myself would mean not speaking at all. My true self didn’t want their voice to be heard across a room. I’d rather be hiding under the table – or preferably in the loo until it was all over.

Of course, it’s usually said with love, often by someone who just wants to see the person they know when they’re speaking with friends or in a familiar, comfortable environment. Yet we’re not in a familiar, comfortable environment – we’re in a position that feels unnatural and somehow threatening. For me it was like being placed into a high pressure, high stakes game, where nobody tells you the rules. In that moment the questions we can ask are often – “who am I in this environment?” and more importantly “who am I at all?”

I’m reminded here of a dental hygienist many years ago who asked me to demonstrate how I cleaned my teeth. Lying upside down in the chair I found it near impossible to figure out what action I did normally take standing over the bathroom sink in the morning. Context is everything.

The us and them problem

All this leaves the ‘Just be yourself’ advice rather empty, but equally I find it lacks compassion. For those who are feeling they can’t be themselves it emphasises a feeling of us and them. Those who are confident and those who aren’t. Those who know how and those who don’t. Having spent years thinking this was something you were born with I know how those words can leave you feeling misunderstood. They imply that, if you wanted, you could wake up one morning and decide that you’re a different person.

Being yourself is a journey too

What I’ve learnt through my own journey is that we can develop more than confidence, we can learn to be ourselves too. The person you are on stage isn’t always the one you are elsewhere. You’re not attempting to be someone else, but you do have a specific job to do as a speaker. A key part of understanding that job is having a deep clarity around what you’re there to say. Working with women building their own businesses, much of our work often revolves around building a deeper confidence. To speak confidently about our business we need to understand and have confidence in who we are, who we want to reach and the impact we’re here to bring.

Confidence won’t pay the bills

At the beginning I said that this advice isn’t helpful for confident speakers either. I believe it can be equally damaging whatever your level of confidence, as confidence doesn’t always mean skilled. Not every confident speaker can hold an audience. For some, confidence can lead to us speaking without a plan, without a structure, and too often – without a point. If I sit and chat for hours with a friend and don’t have a point, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes the point IS to not have a point. When you are speaking for your business that doesn’t wash. Your stage time is limited, your audience deserves respect and your business needs you to be effective. The bottom line is that confidence won’t pay the bills, for that you need skills.

---

If you’re finding the words ‘Just be yourself’ isn’t getting you the results you need then contact me here to discuss how I can help you move forward.